Dear God,

Dear God, 

Three days ago this time last year, I lost my second little bundle of joy growing inside of me a week shy of my first miscarried angels due date, this is super hard for me and I am asking for you to give me the strength so my heart doesn't break as much as it already has! These last two heartbreaking years you have put me on a roller coaster that had more downs then ups, I am not mad at you because I know I became a stronger person through it all and looking back at it I thank you! You made me realize life isn't always easy but it is worth the struggles, to have a rainbow you have to get through the rain to see it! I have looked back on these two years and what happened: moving 700 miles away from everything I have only known with a person I didn't know as well as I thought, losing two babies, got married to the man I thought was the one,  the bad and good of my marriage, the tears, this divorce and for the the strength to leave the one person I never thought would hurt me and to move on (which right now is the hardest). No one never told me about how hard life can be and right now I sometimes don't even want to get out of my bed, but I know this pain will only be temporary and everything will fall into place! But God, please follow me and hold my hand through it all, give me the strength not to fall back to him or to alcohol, and for more ups then down because I don't know how long I can fake a smile when sometimes all I want to do is hide from the world and cry, help me fight this devil a nd depression who has came into my life and find you again I need you, I want you back, I love you!

love, 

Courtney

i dont know what my deal is...kinda hard to say this outloud..but i need to vent!

Lately I been in such a funk, and I thought it was maybe lack of sleep but I have actually gotten a lot of sleep more than I would think since I have a new schedule! But I have been having mood swings like crazy and emotional for no reason, and very snappy! I don't know what my deal is and I don't understand it I am happy one minute then the next I think about something from the past, freak out and stress myself out and well hello not nice to meet you mrs. bitch courtney! I hate being this way but I can't control it sometimes, its like im bipolar or I think I may have anxiety problems I read all the symptoms and well I have most ughh..I really need a chill pill! ha literally! Does anyone else have anxiety problems? 

this picture is exactly how i feel :( 

I want my life back to where it use to be by no means was it perfect but I felt control over myself and my emotions, but after I had my miscarriages I was hurt, sad, mad angry, guess you can say depressed! I turned into someone I don't even really know I hate it, I just want the two babies I lost and my life where it use to be but to stay where I am at now if you know what I mean! I feel bad for my husband I know I take it out all on him and I know its affecting our relationship and I can't talk about really to anyone because no one knows the pain I felt or am feeling now which sucks because I am keeping it in and I know its not a good thing for me, but I get to emotional about it! I just want a baby but I don't honestly know if I can carry them I already have had two miscarriages in a 9 month period! Its hard, especially now because A LOT of my friends are preggo or just had a baby and I cant help but to be jealous, grrr i hate that!  I don't want to be jealous or sad but its there and not going away! :( but don't get me wrong I am so happy for them I just wish I could have a baby, but my husband isn't ready so I guess I will need to wait for that! 

I just looked up more anxiety symptoms

Emotional symptoms of anxiety

In addition to the primary symptoms of irrational and excessive fear and worry, other common emotional symptoms of anxiety include:

Feelings of apprehension or dread (CHECK) Trouble concentrating (TRIPLE CHECK)  Feeling tense and jumpy (ALWAYS,CHECK)  Anticipating the worst (CANT HELP IT, CHECK)

Irritability (HA, ALWAYS, CHECK) Restlessness (I HAVE STAGES, CHECK)  Watching for signs of danger (I AM ALWAYS EXPECTING THE WORSE, CHECK) Feeling like your mind’s gone blank (ALWAYS,CHECK)

so after determining all of my issues I think I am gonna make myself appointment to seek some help...I need it, too move past it and move on with my life a happier person! 

Thanks for letting me vent, and please don't negatively judge me you have your own issues too, its not uncommon! I promise I use to be a fun & nice person!