signed, stamped, sealed & shipped...

On Friday, I finally had the strength and courage to sign and mail out the divorce papers,

I waited so long because I wanted to make sure that is what I wanted...

It was one of the hardest things to do, but one of the best decisions I have made!

I didn't deserve half the stuff I had put up with in my marriage;

but I put up with it all because I was in love and my heart was set he was the one 

and he had me believe I couldn't have or do better!

Love is blind, only when you blame yourself and don't want to believe the truth!

I don't regret it...

I have changed a lot going through this,

I have two angels in heaven who keep me going their my guardian angels;

I have grown strong, but hell I had to fight myself to get through it;

I learned to fight for myself and follow my heart and mind;

I learned to let go of things that I can't change;

I learned if someone truly loves you, 

they wouldn't hurt you they would protect you! 

I am a strong person thanks to this,

my heart is still hurting but time will heal it;

 my Prince can find me one day until then

I will be on my couch, eating junk food, and watching cartoons... 

:)

Just some quotes I love that keep me going...

to do..or not to do

First off I hope everyone had a great & safe HALLOWEEN!

For once I didn't go out and by a costume I was Jwoww off jersey shore but the southern belle version of her! at least thats what I told some people, even though I clearly came dressed as yours truly, myself haha. 

s, me, g, & k :)

Since I have no chance of being able to go into the military for a year or two (even if then),

I decided I want to go back to college? What for you ask? 

Eff if I know I have no idea for sure what I wanna be when i grow up!

My mind changes everyday! I wanna be so many different things, not just have one career, I get bored EASY!!! So what do I do?? ahhh...its so stressful having to pick a career not knowing if you are gonna love it or not knowing I dont have the real experience hands on..hmm!!!  

Here is some of the careers I want or thought about doing:

the top 3

Elementary Teacher:

 I love kids and helping/watching them learn new things, 

and would love making the little crafts for their projects in there class.

Also, when I get married again if I ever do and have kids, I will be off every weekend, holiday and summer to be able to spend time with my family! 

Or will I end up like Mrs. Diaz on Bad Teacher? lol.

(Totally off subject but if you haven't seen this movie you better run your happy butt to redbox

 and rent it this shizz is soo hilarious!)

or

Pediatric Dental Hygienist-

I don't mind teeth okay well I don't mind kids mouth, they don't know better about all the proper ways of keeping your teeth cleaned the right way! I use to hate the dentist until I had one hygienist who cared and taught me everything was ok and teach me the right way, and ever since then I have wanted to be one for KIDS ONLY! 

adults know better and some of there teeth, gag me now! I rather not touch them haha! 

So I know a lot of dental offices are both kids and adults! But I would want to mainly work with just the children! 

or

Office Manager/ Receptionist

My mom has always been one, she loves it! I always use to go to work with her and help her, and when I was in high school I worked at my uncles Chiropractic office as his assistant/ receptionist... 

I loved it, the only thing is they don't always pay that well! 

If all else fails, I guess I will have to be a...

hahaha.

IM ONLY KIDDING! I could never be a stripper, not me! I may have been on a pole a lot, but not for a job only exercise or out dancing! Never got paid for my horrible pole dancing skills! 

but honestly...

part of me still wants to go into the military, but knowing there is a chance that I won't be allowed too, kills it! I can't just wait around waiting and then find out I won't be able to! So college will be good for me, I am honestly thinking about just getting my associates degree in General Studies until I figure out for sure what career I want to do or if I can get into the military! One thing is for sure I dont want to be living with my parents forever, I plan to be out in two years max! Love them to death but I am becoming a big girl I need to put these on...

my big girl panties and grow up and move out on my own with a big girl job...

hahaha :) 

Dear God,

Dear God, 

Three days ago this time last year, I lost my second little bundle of joy growing inside of me a week shy of my first miscarried angels due date, this is super hard for me and I am asking for you to give me the strength so my heart doesn't break as much as it already has! These last two heartbreaking years you have put me on a roller coaster that had more downs then ups, I am not mad at you because I know I became a stronger person through it all and looking back at it I thank you! You made me realize life isn't always easy but it is worth the struggles, to have a rainbow you have to get through the rain to see it! I have looked back on these two years and what happened: moving 700 miles away from everything I have only known with a person I didn't know as well as I thought, losing two babies, got married to the man I thought was the one,  the bad and good of my marriage, the tears, this divorce and for the the strength to leave the one person I never thought would hurt me and to move on (which right now is the hardest). No one never told me about how hard life can be and right now I sometimes don't even want to get out of my bed, but I know this pain will only be temporary and everything will fall into place! But God, please follow me and hold my hand through it all, give me the strength not to fall back to him or to alcohol, and for more ups then down because I don't know how long I can fake a smile when sometimes all I want to do is hide from the world and cry, help me fight this devil a nd depression who has came into my life and find you again I need you, I want you back, I love you!

love, 

Courtney

I SWARE..

If one more person tells me I am in the wrong for leaving my abusive marriage, especially his commander so I will be calling jag tomorrow to get to talk to someone who isn't going to talk to me like he knows everything about what happened and how to live my life..hell no! 

reason why I will probably hurt a few people if i could get away with it.  I wish there was a such thing I could use one pass going to jail card for something I did wrong, I would in a heart beat not gonna lie, but since there is no such thing I will just vent to my blog and wish Karma would hurry up and do her job damn it! 

On to a more positive note, because I know yall don't want to hear me gripe and bitch about all that stuff, and its not me to be miss negative nancy! This last week has been quite amazing I have caught up with some girl friends from high school that I havent spoken to in awhile, hung out with family, almost fully potty trained the girls, and just enjoying life without all the negative remarks and so forth! Oh and he started the divorce papers today hopefully not to much longer and I will be a free women and get my life to how I want it, and enjoy life being single I am not sure if I want to ever get married anymore, after all I went through but maybe one day I will have the family I dreamed of since I was a little girl, a girl can dream right? 

Well I am off to bed long day tomorrow nighty night :) 

well im offically...

Well hello there, my life is far from interesting right now hence my lack of blogging, my life seems quite boring since this crazy heat has been going on it was 109 degrees at 3pm and still rising, so what do I do all day? Sleep, go to school, clean, eat, watch tv, eat eat and eat (probably the reason I have gained 10 pounds in the last month, which my doctor says I need to gain 15-19 pounds because I am underweight for my height! hmmph..that number just sounds huge to me! lol) but anyways back to my point (damn you a.d.d), so in my boring life here is what I do, I am living on the computer netflix studying and tv!  i TRY to avoid going outside unless i am letting the dogs out! lol..i HATE the heat! So fall needs to hurry up and get its happy ass to texas asap before I weigh 500 pounds! lol..but I mainly can't wait because 

of all the cute fall/winter clothes, blue jeans, boots, sweaters, holidays, scarfs, bon fires, colder weather! :) 

But I have been wanting to do a favorite products; like hair, make up skin stuff :) 

Any one else want to join with me tomorrow? 

:)

on a much brighter note :)

Sorry about my last post I really needed to get everything off my chest, I like to use my blog as my therapy because it gets everything off my chest and I love that I can and also because I really have no friends here which blows! I need girl time every once and awhile! lol.. but back to what I was getting at I made my appointment for next monday to see the doctor and hope things work out and I can get back to my normal self instead of this crazy person who took over my body, or I would like to call her my evil twin! I sat down after I wrote that last post and cried and cried; I got a lot of thinking in though good thoughts and time to change some things in my life and marriage to make them better! First off I am taking care of me and my problems at the doctor, but as of my marriage I started right when I figured out I don't want to loose my husband, best friend again and I know we I need some work! So I was browsing blogs and found a great idea to start these...

If you haven't heard of this book, its from the movie Fireproof, which I love and own and it has helped a lot for understanding marriage, I bought this book a month ago and planned on doing it but I honestly just didnt care too! I know wrong, but I was mad and yada yada..so I decided to start today on the first dare: DAY 1: so far its been quite easy because honestly my husband has been asleep since he has been home, but I texted him positive things and helped him today more than I have in awhile so far so good! 

Here is the link that tells you everything you need to know for right now and she post the daily challenge everyday on her blog :) 

I cannot wait to see the results, I actually started today because it is needed! 

here it goes:

30 DAY HUSBAND APPRECIATION CHALLENGE!

SO WE BEGIN WITH DAY ONE: 

"The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."
-Proverbs 31:11-12

To help you get started, have you ever thanked your husband for "choosing" you above all other women? He found you attractive as a person, and appreciated you. Though many circumstances in your marriage may have changed, let your husband know that you are glad God led you together, and that you want to be a blessing to him for the rest of your marriage. Let him know that he can trust you to be in his corner.

One of the best opportunities to express your gratitude is first thing in the morning. How do you greet your husband each morning? Is he confident in your love? Give him a "wake up call" that he'll never forget - a big "I love you" and an "I'm so glad to be your wife!"

THE RESULTS OF DAY 1 SO FAR: 

I texted him this while he was at a motorcycle class on base and he came home a happy man and gave me a big kiss, and that hasn't happened in awhile and said thank you my proud wife I missed you with a big smile, i blushed for once in long time to him and my heart smiled, i already see change and love it! :)  

LETS JUST SAY I AM ONE HAPPY GIRL RIGHT NOW! :) 

i dont know what my deal is...kinda hard to say this outloud..but i need to vent!

Lately I been in such a funk, and I thought it was maybe lack of sleep but I have actually gotten a lot of sleep more than I would think since I have a new schedule! But I have been having mood swings like crazy and emotional for no reason, and very snappy! I don't know what my deal is and I don't understand it I am happy one minute then the next I think about something from the past, freak out and stress myself out and well hello not nice to meet you mrs. bitch courtney! I hate being this way but I can't control it sometimes, its like im bipolar or I think I may have anxiety problems I read all the symptoms and well I have most ughh..I really need a chill pill! ha literally! Does anyone else have anxiety problems? 

this picture is exactly how i feel :( 

I want my life back to where it use to be by no means was it perfect but I felt control over myself and my emotions, but after I had my miscarriages I was hurt, sad, mad angry, guess you can say depressed! I turned into someone I don't even really know I hate it, I just want the two babies I lost and my life where it use to be but to stay where I am at now if you know what I mean! I feel bad for my husband I know I take it out all on him and I know its affecting our relationship and I can't talk about really to anyone because no one knows the pain I felt or am feeling now which sucks because I am keeping it in and I know its not a good thing for me, but I get to emotional about it! I just want a baby but I don't honestly know if I can carry them I already have had two miscarriages in a 9 month period! Its hard, especially now because A LOT of my friends are preggo or just had a baby and I cant help but to be jealous, grrr i hate that!  I don't want to be jealous or sad but its there and not going away! :( but don't get me wrong I am so happy for them I just wish I could have a baby, but my husband isn't ready so I guess I will need to wait for that! 

I just looked up more anxiety symptoms

Emotional symptoms of anxiety

In addition to the primary symptoms of irrational and excessive fear and worry, other common emotional symptoms of anxiety include:

Feelings of apprehension or dread (CHECK) Trouble concentrating (TRIPLE CHECK)  Feeling tense and jumpy (ALWAYS,CHECK)  Anticipating the worst (CANT HELP IT, CHECK)

Irritability (HA, ALWAYS, CHECK) Restlessness (I HAVE STAGES, CHECK)  Watching for signs of danger (I AM ALWAYS EXPECTING THE WORSE, CHECK) Feeling like your mind’s gone blank (ALWAYS,CHECK)

so after determining all of my issues I think I am gonna make myself appointment to seek some help...I need it, too move past it and move on with my life a happier person! 

Thanks for letting me vent, and please don't negatively judge me you have your own issues too, its not uncommon! I promise I use to be a fun & nice person!